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Sir, Noises below stairs: I find maid Clara embracing the rogue greengrocer in a most obscene manner. Clara explains their embrace is a celebration of Empire Day, reflecting our glorious kingdom spanning both North and South hemispheres. I sit with a brandy to enjoy their celebrations in full.
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Sir, The new maid arrives. I instruct her to make a fire in the parlour. She acts with such anxiety that I take her aside to ask what is wrong. She is most fearful of igniting the flammable starches and Reckitt's Blue in her pinafore gown. I suggest a solution,and offer to keep watch against sparks`
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