Sir, All will be familiar to the perennial problem of maids serving port at cellar temperature, despite frequent correction. It is my delight therefore to note that new maids Myrtle and Tillie (who seem very close friends) do have a technique that serves the most temperate spirit wine
Sir, heavy rains do flood my wine cellars. I send maids Molly and Elsie down to remove the water from spoiling my bottles of vintage brandy. Two hours pass and I hear laughter and splashing. Molly informs me they are appeasing Salacia, the goddess of floodwater. I do admire the rural traditions.
Sir, My wife has of late been most displeased at the interest I take in managing staff, recently misunderstanding my learning the maid upon methods of uncorking stubborn bottles of wine. Thus today I did delegate the instruction of a lower maid to the housekeeper, whilst I advised from a distance.
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Sir, I overhear maid Lottie bemoaning that she is unable to afford a new hat to wear this summer. I suggest that I accompany her to a milliner store this very Saturday and that I will pay for her new hat, on condition that she might pose for a photolithograph. I am much noted for my philanthropy.
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Sir, it recently fell to myself to repair the mirror in Lady B______'s dressing room. My good maid Molly did assist, but I feared her ragged and dirt-streaked clothing might impair the mirror's ability to show finery. I stressed my fears to Molly, and a solution was soon found that had great merit
Jocelyn Stone in "My Dirty Maid"
Sir, in these unprecedented modern times of staff demanding wages in excess of sixpence per day, I have had to make some economies. It would of course be foolish to run my brandy cellar low, but I note my instruction that maids must now share accommodation was met with much acclaim.
Sir, upon visiting my philanthropist friend Dr Brownlee Dipper, I noted the sheer number of staff he employs. "It is a means out of poverty for them" said he. I at once rushed home and implemented his altruistic scheme. Here are 4 of my new maids, gainfully employed in arranging an aspidistra.
Sir, Upon hearing apparent cries of distress from my wife lady B_____, I did force upon the locked door with haste. I feared intruders, perhap the blaggard greengrocer who throws turnips upon the windows. I was much relieved to find only maid Kitty, assisting lady B_____ in locating a lost hat pin
Sir, I wish to place on record the most excellent service of my new maid, Sarah, a tall and well favoured wench. She is always most fastidious at extinguishing the candles before my family retire.
